When I look at it in the grandeur scheme of things, I’m going from one American extreme to the other. Our two bastard states, confined to the corner of our maps, disproportional to the “continental” states. Alaska to Hawaii, the opposites and antithesis. Our frozen north and the tropical isles. How exciting. I wondered when I’d ever visit these two places, I never imagined, not even in my wildest geographic nightmares, that I’d be visiting them directly after one another. Hold onto your butts.
But of course, first we must traverse the seas. Going from Vancouver to Hawaii takes five full days at sea. This is my longest stint without a port day, and it’s enjoyable in that it makes me feel like I live on a spaceship, but also very disorienting. For the cruise, we have these five sea days and then five port days, so I have to fit my entire program into these first days, leaving me plenty of time to enjoy the islands. That means first day is seminar day, then auction day, then seminar day, then two auction days. It keeps me busy for sure, but I do have a lot free time. Most of it goes to the gym, but the glorious remainder is spent on endless videogames. That third day, a seminar day, we spent 11 hours playing X box. It was awesome. We played Gears of War 2, a cross between World War 2 and Doom, and then of course I had purchased a copy of Silent Hill: Homecoming. This has proven to be a grand exercise in psychological management. It is much more difficult than the other games (the 6 before it) as the main character is a soldier returning home, who also must fight off more deadly inner demons that pack a much harder punch. Its geared more to an action game. I’ve never been so publicly horrified before. Fellow crew members would come by, watch a bit, and then have to leave with blood streamlining out of their eyes. Not true of course, but it freaked my shit. I enjoyed maybe a third of the game before it literally destroyed itself. The disc had to be thrown away because when I went to return to where I left off one day, it simply did not function. The disc had developed deeply set scratches that were not there before. Unplayable out of nowhere. The level I was on was called ‘Descent into Hell.’ Enough said. Perhaps it was not ready for me yet. I will have to wait then, for my own Homecoming, to return to that place of restless dreams, to the town of Silent Hill.
Traveling across the sea for days on end to finally wake up, and sea the beauty of Hawaii is a unique experience. I made up my own Hawaiian word to use as a password at my events with guests. Aloha hula lai! I got up early to witness our arrival in Maui. After so many days, granted 5 isn’t too long, but when you’re on a boat, its longer than it seems, and really 5 days IS a long time, to wake up to see volcanoes rising out of the dawn takes my breath away. It resets my ideals for the world, my hopes and dreams to explore the ends of the Earth. Tears come to my eyes with my sense of wonder renewed. I forget the exhilaration of experiencing new lands, of new adventures. And here before me, blessed in my life: Hawaii. A land awaiting discovery.
Lucky for me I have Jana. She has visited Hawaii multiple times over the years and her leadership was more than helpful. She has such a vibrancy and natural enthusiasm for life. We share many common traits, but also many attractive differences. I got to meet her parents a couple of times, they were wonderful of course, but her mom told her she understood why we were such good friends, because I’m so comfortable with who I am as a personality that its enchanting. I think I feel the same way about her. Everything is so fancy. Every day is a fancy day aboard the Rhapsody of the Seas, but its extra fancy with Jana. We host parties together, we eat luncheons and get stopped by guests, I introduce her shows and she stops in at mine. We’re like F-list celebrities together. Its all for show you know, pretend, but we have so much fun. And so I was excited to have her as a personal port and shopping guide on my Hawaii “vacation”. What fun.
And so my first impression of Hawaii is the port of Lahaina on the island of Maui. It was so bright and refreshing. The most picturesque view of what Hawaii should be. We were greeted by the warm music of the senior hula dancers, and the tropical sunshine. Palm trees and other vibrant greenery grow everywhere, island architecture, and of course HAWAII SHAVED ICE. I couldn’t stop thinking about how different from Alaska it feels. Would I be so happy to be in Happy Hawaii if I didn’t spend four and a half months in the Arctic? Who knows, but it just warms my soul to think about that moment. Arrival.
Jana and I signed up for a day excursion to a half sunken crater off the shore of the southern coast. We were going to snuba, a combination of snorkel and scuba. So the tour operators come and collect us and drive us down the coast to their harbor. I love driving around in new places. You get to see so much. All the little beaches, fruit stands, and local surfers. Like flipping through the pages of a pictoral. Impressions of a new land. After we set sail on our excursion catamaran they tell us that were not going to the crater as originally intended, but an alternate dive site. We were kind of disappointed as swimming in a volcanic crater sounds much cooler than just some beach, but either way it was amazing to be able to swim in the ocean again. It wakes up your body, and feels good to your soul. It cleans our skin and clears your head. I love swimming, and even more so with the ocean. Refresh. Also feeling the sunshine, the Maui sunshine. So we swam, drank some POG (Pineapple Orange Guava) and played in the sunshine. Heading back, we only had a little bit of time to clean up for our Luau. Quick shower, sign some papers, and set out on a tender for an unforgettable experience.
Luaus are fucking amazing. Its like THE party to go to. First of all they give you flower lais and then immediately put a drink in your hand. Yeah I want a Mai Tai. All inclusive? Give me two. Jana warned me about eating earlier because she said we would be drinking copius amounts of alcohol. She was right, and let me tell you, the Maui sunset goes down even better with a cocktail in your hand. How about a lava flow, yea, a long beach, yep, a planters punch, two.
And then theres the whole tropical scenery. Palms everywhere, beautiful flowers, torches, islanders, its just so Hawaii. And then the food, served buffet, but still pretty good. They roast a whole pig; have ahi tuna salad, pork wrapped in lotus, island fish, and all sorts of other local delights, including poi. Now everyone says you are going to hate poi. I didn’t hate it but I don’t really like it. Poi originally is made from the taro root, and was originally the only staple starch of the Hawaiian people’s diet. They still eat it traditionally, but there really isn’t any point to it now with the advent of rice. Of course it doesn’t taste very good, but with the historical context behind it, you must appreciate. It does however have the flavor of glue. So it’s up to you. After dinner there were more drinks, a dance show with all the hulas, and then some more drinks. We were feeling great at this time, and since we had an OVERNIGHT, decided to go out to our next bar. That bar was lame so we bought some beers, and my buddy Jake who rented a mustang (and was DD), took us closer to the ship where there was another bar. That bar was ok, but still lame so we went to the beach to drink our beers. After that we drove across the island to another beach to drink some beers. Then we went to another beach further up to drink some beers. 
That beach was pitch black, but awesome and then we started along for our initial plan to go to the top of the volcano. It took a couple of hours as its over 10,000 feet but we finally made it super early in the morning, and since it was pitch balck out and freezing, we decided to have a nap in the car. It was my brilliant idea to put the beers outside the car to keep them cool. Sure enough, a couple of cops come buy to wake us up. It was really confusing and stressful. We just wanted to cool our beers off we said, what if a 15 year old gets them, I don’t know, why didn’t you just drink in the car, can we, YES, sorry, ok well drink in the car. Jeeeze. So the cops were awful, as always, and we went back to sleep
We wake up super early intendning to see the sunset rise over the mountain, open the doors to see the beautiful scenery, and find ourselves in awful, wet, gray, Purgatory. Its so freaking cold, damp, and cloudy, and there were like 500 people standing around, silently, too cold to move.
Seriously, as much as I talk about Purgatory (and its a lot believe me) this is the closest I’ve ever come to experiencing it. So we travel back down to the ship. Stop and get some McDonalds (did you know the McDonalds in Hawaii are the only ones in the world to serve SPAM and coconut pie? Mmmm). The drive back to the ship was glorious and we listened to some local Hawaiian tunes with top down. That was a nice memory. Driving around in a car. I’d forgotten what that was like too. We laughed at some advert in the Maui Times. Warren and Anabelle’s Magic Show, voted best attraction in Maui by the AAA. The picture had a hand presenting to a crowd filled with the craziest laughing faces imaginable. All of them just like, “OMG this is the best magic show everrrrrrrr!!!!!” type of faces. Bordering on lunacy. I will never forget it. Most of them were like, “I’m afraid I will be shot in the kneecaps if I don’t laugh the hardest I ever have before” kind of a look on their face. If I don’t laugh like I’ve just heard the funniest joke in the world I will lose all that is beloved in my life. I’ll never forget it. How many are crazy at Warren and Annabelle’s Magic Show??? All of them. I helped Jake clean out the rental car, took a shuttle back, and then enjoyed another Hawaiian shaved ice before meeting up with Jana and Lara for the beach. Oh the beach…THE BEACH…I’d forgotten about how welcoming, how wonderful it can be. Just lounging in your skin, laying out and floating around. Oh dear beach, Alaska made me forget you too. We played a bit in the sun, watched the hotties go by, and then some. The waves came in and an obese woman couldn’t get out of the surf. She would try and try, but then a wave would come in and roll her out like a sack of dough. I eventually ran up to help her out and then another guy came to help me, but her husband had been laughing at her the whole time, which I thought was funny…cause he’s the one married to it. Anyway, we enjoyed a nice lunch on the beach, strolled through some stores, bought some tank tops, and then headed back to the ship. Overnight in Maui, CHECK. Onto the big island. 
Most people assume that the capitol of Hawaii is on the big island which is not true. It’s on Oahu. Big Island is simply Hawaii Island. Here I signed up for the “Land of Frozen Fire” tour which I was really excited about. When I got off the boat, we were again greeted by Hula music. I wonder how often these people have to do this for our ships, and then I wonder how much they hate life, but that’s another story. I mean get a grip, you live in Hawaii. Anyways, so we had a couple of stops to make on this tour, the first being these lava tubes. So they split us all up to the 15 person vans, and I’m thinking they’re going to send us off in different directions, and we go to the tubes, and everyone shows up. Not all at once, but over the course of 20 minutes. Why didn’t they send us on opposite route at least to break up the crowd? I don’t know. I just don’t. So then I have to wait 30 minutes for all these people (most of whom are very much older, larger people) slowly go single file down into these tubes. Just waiting for the stairs to clear takes 15 minutes. I forget how awful this people herding becomes. I go off in a different direction (a different lava tube) than the tour simply to not have to wait around. By the time I come back their just starting to talk to us. So we travel up into the caves, its cool and all, but theres just so many people around, slowwwww, obesity. The lava tube caves are wicked (they look like the inside of the alien spaceship in Alien), don’t get me wrong, its just like, I wish I could have done this on my own.
Next stop they take us to Lava Tree State Park where you can see what happens to trees when the get covered in lava. Theres a lava stump that looks like a giant penis. Awesome. Next they take us to a beach where the lava tubes came out and we eat a shitty box lunch for an hour. Fine. Then they take us closer to some other lava tubes where theres a balck sand beach. Neato. Then they skip out on the hot springs so they can take us to the Mona Lau macadamia nut factory. Alright, already. At this point I kind of feel stupid for doing this tour. Like I feel really lame. I could have gone off and done something rad. You know, if I found those lava tubes on my own I would have been ecstatic. But I didn’t. I signed up to visit them with obesity in tow. Kind of makes me feel lame. By the time I got back to the ship I was ready to take a nap. I’m not ungrateful, because I saw some awesome shit. Took lots of cool pics, but it makes me feel like a dork. And not the natural dork I celebrate being, but the en masse dork. The one that wears a Hawaii t-shirt, and takes pictures of the macadamia nut factory. 
In the evenings we’ve been enjoying our new found back deck parties. In Alaska it was too cold to be outside, so we drank in the Skaal Bar. Now we drink on the back deck where we can enjoy the weather and the stars. Its so nice to enjoy the outside moonshine in Hawaii, and that moon goes down even better with a Pina Colada in hand. I was sharing some ABBA with some friends…Oh boy…and we came across a song called Happy Hawaii. Its everything I could have hoped for and more in an ABBA song about Hawaii. And it goes “Hey Hololulu, I’m headed for Happy Hawaii.” Theres some nice melodies in there too, with the waves crashing on the beach in the background. It makes me smile, and the best part, tomorrow Honolulu!
Honolulu was a nice, lazy day. The ship didn’t depart until 10pm that night, so I decided to close the gallery, you know, take the night off. A group of us decided to head out immediately to Waikiki. We had enough people that our taxi was upgraded to a limousine. What an awesome way to hit up the beach. And of course Waikiki Beach is amazing. Beautiful sand, beautiful people, beautiful water, and Shave Ice!
Went swimming, did some surfing, got some fish tacos, drank some drink, shopped around a bit, and then headed back to the ship. It was about this time that I started to wonder why is it people will pay money to go to Alaska, when they could go to Hawaii instead. I understand that Alaska is beautiful, really I do, but, oh Hawaii. I know the USA aquired Hawaii for defense purposes, but you know they had to think about the fact that we were nabbing one of the world’s most fabulous island destinations. Our personal state of exotic bliss. Oh Hawaii!!! Why was I in Alaska when I could be here!? It makes no sense! In the evening we had a group of us planning to go out to a nice dinner so we go dolled up, drank some drink, and then headed back to the main Waikiki strip. At dinner I complained to the management that our meals arrived at the same time as our appetizers. That’s a huge no-no. I got some more fish because thats probably what you want to enjoy in Hawaii. They do have access to some of the best sea food around. So go with the flow. We went to another bar before heading back to the ship, and as it was a long day, I crashed earlier than normal only to enjoy another long day tomorrow. Another day, another island.
The next island was Kauai, or the garden island. For me this was the final full day of Coleman and Jana. Beyond Hawaii, there is no need for a port and shipping guide as the lands are too exotic. In other words, her company has yet to set up a shopping program that far away from you typical cruise destinations. Sort of the undeveloped lands. The beyond. So this would be our last day of adventure together. Jana rented a car, and since this was the island she visits her family with, she toured me around for the day. It certainly was the most lush of the places we had seen in Hawaii. Green valleys and mountains everywhere. Its where they film Lost and Jurassic Park. It is the unidentifiable tropical island. For me it was a pleasant surprise.
It the island you hear the least about. There’s Big Island that you see on the map, Oahu that has Honolulu, the honeymoon island of Maui, and then Kauai… Jurassic Park island. Pretty cool. We drove along the coast for a bit, got some Starbucks, had some wheat grass shots, and then set out for the Pacific’s Grand Canyon. 
The island has a mini version of the Grand Canyon called Waimea Canyon, and if you were transported through time and space by, oh I don’t know, a phone booth, you would be troubled to tell the difference. Who would have expected? Next we stopped at an old Russian fort park that had no Russian fort, but was still a place to see, and then we went to the Poipu coast to have some lunch. We stopped at a nice Tiki garden, Jana hit some of the jewelry stores (of course) and I bought some sun screen. We then laid out on the beach for a couple hours. There was a small coral island I swan to, observed some sea life, and then we headed back towards the ship. Again the ever lingering of “I have to get back to the ship.” No matter where you go, or what you do, it always hangs over your head. And you can’t escape it less you lose your job...and your life. Oh well, I still get paid to go to Hawaii. So we took the route through the valley, under the tunnel of trees, and back to our port. Simply a memory of pictures, and absolutely beautiful.
Our next day took us back to Big Island, to the port of Kona on the opposite side which is westward facing the Pacific. A bunch of us were going to get off and go see some stuff, didn’t know what yet (right!?!?), and then go from there. Jana woke me up because she wanted to know what I was planning to do with the warning the Captain announced. What warning? The TSUNAMI!!! So there was an earth quake off the Samoan islands and already tsunamis had hit. They were expecting the waves to reach Hawaii in a couple of hours. Tenders were still taking people ashore but the evacuation would happen around 1pm to take people further inland. So what was I going to do? I told Jana I would rather be on land than on the ship. Even though its safer to be on the water than on land for a tsunami, Jana argued. Its true, but have you ever seen The Poseidon Adventure? That is the shit of my nightmares. I do not want to go through that. SO I called Jake and he was with me, we headed to land. By the time we got on land, ordered a Hawaiian sandwich, had some snow cones, and met up with some other peeps, the warning had been lifted. We struggled for a bit trying to rent a car, then hiring a cab to take us to a distant beach. They’d be closed he said, so we took a cab to a beach that wasn’t too far away. We got there and the lifeguards were pulling people out of the water, and closing the beaches just to be safe. So what should we do? They advised us to go to a beach that was a popular dive spot, and public beach with no restrictions. So thats where we went. The girls didn’t want to swim, so they went to get lunch at a nearby restaurant, and we enjoyed some snorkeling. Saw lots of fish, a few turtles, and for just the price of a cab it wasn’t bad for a nice tropical swim. Oh man, I love to swim. Afterwards we met up with the girls at the restaurant, and since it was right on the water and about Tsunami time, we ordered some beers and calamari and waited for some sort of show. For a while the waves seemed to be getting bigger, but we really couldn’t be sure, and then of course a few beers turned into some more, and nobody could tell so then our waitress offered to take us back to the port. I guess she wanted to finish her shift and we were the long overdue trouble table.
So we all piled into her truck, I sat in the back and we went to the tender pier. We still had a couple of hours before all aboard so we bought some more beers, and sat at a small beach right off the port in a protected cove. It was right next to an unused luau site and some surfboards, so we just hung around until we had to go back. It was nice. I took some pictures of birds, and went out with Lara to pee in the water. As I’m urinating in the ocean I notice all these cigarette buttes floating past me. It takes me a second to realize that it was odd anything should be floating past me as the cove was completely still before. So we look out to the ocean and see a small wall of water flooding towards us. Strange. Oh wait! Oh SHIT! I said to Lara “oh shit, it’s the tsunami!” We yelled and scramble dout of the water drunkenly and people started to collect their stuff. The water came up the beach all the way towards where we had been sitting. Some other people took off, and there was commotion on the pier. An empty canoe got lifted off the beach and carried away towards the sea and then the waters started to recede. That was the scariest part, knowing the water had come in, and then it totally receded about 30 feet away from where it had been. You could see the current rushing out of the cove. We didn’t know where it would stop when it came back in, and that was honestly frightening. We grabbed all of our stuff and were prepared to run. Of course the waters didn’t come that much farther in that they had before, but it was that moment of anticipation. Who knew what could have happened? Jana thought I was being over dramatic, but even she was holding her bag pretty tightly, ready to book it. All in all, it was simply unusual tidal changes we were experiencing, but it was definitely the remnants of the tsunami. We all saw it. And the crazy part is that what we saw came from all across the globe in a matter of hours, traversing thousands of miles, it was the aftermath of something which claimed many lives. It was truly incredible. And then, in that moment, I realized I peed in it. I Peed in the Tsunami.
So that evening was the official end of cruise. I had one last big sale come through, which was great, and I closed late. I forgot to mention that Tarun was fired because he’s a derelict. Good riddance to sad babush. His Jesus tattoo was freaky. Anyways, the turnaround day was in Honolulu and then we had an overnight before sailing west to Tahiti. We spent a day at Waikiki again, surfing, sunning, snow cones, that sort of thing, and then I had to come back to the ship for Expo. Welcome aboard shenanigans. I then got dolled up for my last evening in Hawaii and my last evening with Jana. We got a taxi to take us back to Waikiki and after some walking around, found a nice resort’s in house restaurant that was right on the water. We could hear the waves lapping on the shore as we enjoyed some local hula music along with our signature cocktails, all the while the moon shone down at us outside of “The House without a Key.” What a name for a restaurant! It’s taken from the title of an old mystery novel written in Honolulu and takes place at that exact location, and it was the perfect place to enjoy our farewell dinner on our final Hawaiian evening. We waited a little bit too long for the food, but the night was perfect. I was sad to say goodbye to Jana, but not as sad as I had been before. I was so lucky to have her come back into my ship life. I felt like our friendship was granted an even grander sequel. Alaska and Hawaii with Royal as opposed to the Caribbean with Disney. Two very different stories. We called her a taxi so she could catch her flight and as she pulled away, we waved our final goodbyes, just like the time before. Only this time, our good bye was filled with satisfaction. I look forward to seeing Jana again.
After our elegant dinner with Jana, we let loose and did the whole partying thing. I ended up crashing at 6 in the morning at somebody’s house. I did not want to sleep on the ship. We ended up at all sorts of different bars doing shots, margaritas, and the works, chugging beers in the street that we bought at the convenience store, running into the police again, dancing the night away, POKER FACE, questionable decisions, fighting British people, dancing even more, and then falling into the arms of the strangers. It was fantastic recklessness. A piece of the real party life, where at the end of the day, I’m not being watched by a captain. The next day was lazy, walking around town, enjoying some coconut pie and coffee, spitting on crabs, one last swim at Waikiki and then the sad trek home, well home as in ship. I called everyone I knew back in the states, said goodbye, because from here on out, no more cell phone, only the South Pacific, only OCEANIA. If you get a chance, call my cell phone, I am especially fond of my voicemail message.
And once more to land,
before heading down,
because the next place I’ll see,
the island of Tahiti.
But of course, first we must traverse the seas. Going from Vancouver to Hawaii takes five full days at sea. This is my longest stint without a port day, and it’s enjoyable in that it makes me feel like I live on a spaceship, but also very disorienting. For the cruise, we have these five sea days and then five port days, so I have to fit my entire program into these first days, leaving me plenty of time to enjoy the islands. That means first day is seminar day, then auction day, then seminar day, then two auction days. It keeps me busy for sure, but I do have a lot free time. Most of it goes to the gym, but the glorious remainder is spent on endless videogames. That third day, a seminar day, we spent 11 hours playing X box. It was awesome. We played Gears of War 2, a cross between World War 2 and Doom, and then of course I had purchased a copy of Silent Hill: Homecoming. This has proven to be a grand exercise in psychological management. It is much more difficult than the other games (the 6 before it) as the main character is a soldier returning home, who also must fight off more deadly inner demons that pack a much harder punch. Its geared more to an action game. I’ve never been so publicly horrified before. Fellow crew members would come by, watch a bit, and then have to leave with blood streamlining out of their eyes. Not true of course, but it freaked my shit. I enjoyed maybe a third of the game before it literally destroyed itself. The disc had to be thrown away because when I went to return to where I left off one day, it simply did not function. The disc had developed deeply set scratches that were not there before. Unplayable out of nowhere. The level I was on was called ‘Descent into Hell.’ Enough said. Perhaps it was not ready for me yet. I will have to wait then, for my own Homecoming, to return to that place of restless dreams, to the town of Silent Hill.
Traveling across the sea for days on end to finally wake up, and sea the beauty of Hawaii is a unique experience. I made up my own Hawaiian word to use as a password at my events with guests. Aloha hula lai! I got up early to witness our arrival in Maui. After so many days, granted 5 isn’t too long, but when you’re on a boat, its longer than it seems, and really 5 days IS a long time, to wake up to see volcanoes rising out of the dawn takes my breath away. It resets my ideals for the world, my hopes and dreams to explore the ends of the Earth. Tears come to my eyes with my sense of wonder renewed. I forget the exhilaration of experiencing new lands, of new adventures. And here before me, blessed in my life: Hawaii. A land awaiting discovery.
Lucky for me I have Jana. She has visited Hawaii multiple times over the years and her leadership was more than helpful. She has such a vibrancy and natural enthusiasm for life. We share many common traits, but also many attractive differences. I got to meet her parents a couple of times, they were wonderful of course, but her mom told her she understood why we were such good friends, because I’m so comfortable with who I am as a personality that its enchanting. I think I feel the same way about her. Everything is so fancy. Every day is a fancy day aboard the Rhapsody of the Seas, but its extra fancy with Jana. We host parties together, we eat luncheons and get stopped by guests, I introduce her shows and she stops in at mine. We’re like F-list celebrities together. Its all for show you know, pretend, but we have so much fun. And so I was excited to have her as a personal port and shopping guide on my Hawaii “vacation”. What fun.
And so my first impression of Hawaii is the port of Lahaina on the island of Maui. It was so bright and refreshing. The most picturesque view of what Hawaii should be. We were greeted by the warm music of the senior hula dancers, and the tropical sunshine. Palm trees and other vibrant greenery grow everywhere, island architecture, and of course HAWAII SHAVED ICE. I couldn’t stop thinking about how different from Alaska it feels. Would I be so happy to be in Happy Hawaii if I didn’t spend four and a half months in the Arctic? Who knows, but it just warms my soul to think about that moment. Arrival.
Jana and I signed up for a day excursion to a half sunken crater off the shore of the southern coast. We were going to snuba, a combination of snorkel and scuba. So the tour operators come and collect us and drive us down the coast to their harbor. I love driving around in new places. You get to see so much. All the little beaches, fruit stands, and local surfers. Like flipping through the pages of a pictoral. Impressions of a new land. After we set sail on our excursion catamaran they tell us that were not going to the crater as originally intended, but an alternate dive site. We were kind of disappointed as swimming in a volcanic crater sounds much cooler than just some beach, but either way it was amazing to be able to swim in the ocean again. It wakes up your body, and feels good to your soul. It cleans our skin and clears your head. I love swimming, and even more so with the ocean. Refresh. Also feeling the sunshine, the Maui sunshine. So we swam, drank some POG (Pineapple Orange Guava) and played in the sunshine. Heading back, we only had a little bit of time to clean up for our Luau. Quick shower, sign some papers, and set out on a tender for an unforgettable experience.
Luaus are fucking amazing. Its like THE party to go to. First of all they give you flower lais and then immediately put a drink in your hand. Yeah I want a Mai Tai. All inclusive? Give me two. Jana warned me about eating earlier because she said we would be drinking copius amounts of alcohol. She was right, and let me tell you, the Maui sunset goes down even better with a cocktail in your hand. How about a lava flow, yea, a long beach, yep, a planters punch, two.
And then theres the whole tropical scenery. Palms everywhere, beautiful flowers, torches, islanders, its just so Hawaii. And then the food, served buffet, but still pretty good. They roast a whole pig; have ahi tuna salad, pork wrapped in lotus, island fish, and all sorts of other local delights, including poi. Now everyone says you are going to hate poi. I didn’t hate it but I don’t really like it. Poi originally is made from the taro root, and was originally the only staple starch of the Hawaiian people’s diet. They still eat it traditionally, but there really isn’t any point to it now with the advent of rice. Of course it doesn’t taste very good, but with the historical context behind it, you must appreciate. It does however have the flavor of glue. So it’s up to you. After dinner there were more drinks, a dance show with all the hulas, and then some more drinks. We were feeling great at this time, and since we had an OVERNIGHT, decided to go out to our next bar. That bar was lame so we bought some beers, and my buddy Jake who rented a mustang (and was DD), took us closer to the ship where there was another bar. That bar was ok, but still lame so we went to the beach to drink our beers. After that we drove across the island to another beach to drink some beers. Then we went to another beach further up to drink some beers. 
That beach was pitch black, but awesome and then we started along for our initial plan to go to the top of the volcano. It took a couple of hours as its over 10,000 feet but we finally made it super early in the morning, and since it was pitch balck out and freezing, we decided to have a nap in the car. It was my brilliant idea to put the beers outside the car to keep them cool. Sure enough, a couple of cops come buy to wake us up. It was really confusing and stressful. We just wanted to cool our beers off we said, what if a 15 year old gets them, I don’t know, why didn’t you just drink in the car, can we, YES, sorry, ok well drink in the car. Jeeeze. So the cops were awful, as always, and we went back to sleepWe wake up super early intendning to see the sunset rise over the mountain, open the doors to see the beautiful scenery, and find ourselves in awful, wet, gray, Purgatory. Its so freaking cold, damp, and cloudy, and there were like 500 people standing around, silently, too cold to move.
Seriously, as much as I talk about Purgatory (and its a lot believe me) this is the closest I’ve ever come to experiencing it. So we travel back down to the ship. Stop and get some McDonalds (did you know the McDonalds in Hawaii are the only ones in the world to serve SPAM and coconut pie? Mmmm). The drive back to the ship was glorious and we listened to some local Hawaiian tunes with top down. That was a nice memory. Driving around in a car. I’d forgotten what that was like too. We laughed at some advert in the Maui Times. Warren and Anabelle’s Magic Show, voted best attraction in Maui by the AAA. The picture had a hand presenting to a crowd filled with the craziest laughing faces imaginable. All of them just like, “OMG this is the best magic show everrrrrrrr!!!!!” type of faces. Bordering on lunacy. I will never forget it. Most of them were like, “I’m afraid I will be shot in the kneecaps if I don’t laugh the hardest I ever have before” kind of a look on their face. If I don’t laugh like I’ve just heard the funniest joke in the world I will lose all that is beloved in my life. I’ll never forget it. How many are crazy at Warren and Annabelle’s Magic Show??? All of them. I helped Jake clean out the rental car, took a shuttle back, and then enjoyed another Hawaiian shaved ice before meeting up with Jana and Lara for the beach. Oh the beach…THE BEACH…I’d forgotten about how welcoming, how wonderful it can be. Just lounging in your skin, laying out and floating around. Oh dear beach, Alaska made me forget you too. We played a bit in the sun, watched the hotties go by, and then some. The waves came in and an obese woman couldn’t get out of the surf. She would try and try, but then a wave would come in and roll her out like a sack of dough. I eventually ran up to help her out and then another guy came to help me, but her husband had been laughing at her the whole time, which I thought was funny…cause he’s the one married to it. Anyway, we enjoyed a nice lunch on the beach, strolled through some stores, bought some tank tops, and then headed back to the ship. Overnight in Maui, CHECK. Onto the big island. 
Most people assume that the capitol of Hawaii is on the big island which is not true. It’s on Oahu. Big Island is simply Hawaii Island. Here I signed up for the “Land of Frozen Fire” tour which I was really excited about. When I got off the boat, we were again greeted by Hula music. I wonder how often these people have to do this for our ships, and then I wonder how much they hate life, but that’s another story. I mean get a grip, you live in Hawaii. Anyways, so we had a couple of stops to make on this tour, the first being these lava tubes. So they split us all up to the 15 person vans, and I’m thinking they’re going to send us off in different directions, and we go to the tubes, and everyone shows up. Not all at once, but over the course of 20 minutes. Why didn’t they send us on opposite route at least to break up the crowd? I don’t know. I just don’t. So then I have to wait 30 minutes for all these people (most of whom are very much older, larger people) slowly go single file down into these tubes. Just waiting for the stairs to clear takes 15 minutes. I forget how awful this people herding becomes. I go off in a different direction (a different lava tube) than the tour simply to not have to wait around. By the time I come back their just starting to talk to us. So we travel up into the caves, its cool and all, but theres just so many people around, slowwwww, obesity. The lava tube caves are wicked (they look like the inside of the alien spaceship in Alien), don’t get me wrong, its just like, I wish I could have done this on my own.
Next stop they take us to Lava Tree State Park where you can see what happens to trees when the get covered in lava. Theres a lava stump that looks like a giant penis. Awesome. Next they take us to a beach where the lava tubes came out and we eat a shitty box lunch for an hour. Fine. Then they take us closer to some other lava tubes where theres a balck sand beach. Neato. Then they skip out on the hot springs so they can take us to the Mona Lau macadamia nut factory. Alright, already. At this point I kind of feel stupid for doing this tour. Like I feel really lame. I could have gone off and done something rad. You know, if I found those lava tubes on my own I would have been ecstatic. But I didn’t. I signed up to visit them with obesity in tow. Kind of makes me feel lame. By the time I got back to the ship I was ready to take a nap. I’m not ungrateful, because I saw some awesome shit. Took lots of cool pics, but it makes me feel like a dork. And not the natural dork I celebrate being, but the en masse dork. The one that wears a Hawaii t-shirt, and takes pictures of the macadamia nut factory. 
In the evenings we’ve been enjoying our new found back deck parties. In Alaska it was too cold to be outside, so we drank in the Skaal Bar. Now we drink on the back deck where we can enjoy the weather and the stars. Its so nice to enjoy the outside moonshine in Hawaii, and that moon goes down even better with a Pina Colada in hand. I was sharing some ABBA with some friends…Oh boy…and we came across a song called Happy Hawaii. Its everything I could have hoped for and more in an ABBA song about Hawaii. And it goes “Hey Hololulu, I’m headed for Happy Hawaii.” Theres some nice melodies in there too, with the waves crashing on the beach in the background. It makes me smile, and the best part, tomorrow Honolulu!
Honolulu was a nice, lazy day. The ship didn’t depart until 10pm that night, so I decided to close the gallery, you know, take the night off. A group of us decided to head out immediately to Waikiki. We had enough people that our taxi was upgraded to a limousine. What an awesome way to hit up the beach. And of course Waikiki Beach is amazing. Beautiful sand, beautiful people, beautiful water, and Shave Ice!
Went swimming, did some surfing, got some fish tacos, drank some drink, shopped around a bit, and then headed back to the ship. It was about this time that I started to wonder why is it people will pay money to go to Alaska, when they could go to Hawaii instead. I understand that Alaska is beautiful, really I do, but, oh Hawaii. I know the USA aquired Hawaii for defense purposes, but you know they had to think about the fact that we were nabbing one of the world’s most fabulous island destinations. Our personal state of exotic bliss. Oh Hawaii!!! Why was I in Alaska when I could be here!? It makes no sense! In the evening we had a group of us planning to go out to a nice dinner so we go dolled up, drank some drink, and then headed back to the main Waikiki strip. At dinner I complained to the management that our meals arrived at the same time as our appetizers. That’s a huge no-no. I got some more fish because thats probably what you want to enjoy in Hawaii. They do have access to some of the best sea food around. So go with the flow. We went to another bar before heading back to the ship, and as it was a long day, I crashed earlier than normal only to enjoy another long day tomorrow. Another day, another island.The next island was Kauai, or the garden island. For me this was the final full day of Coleman and Jana. Beyond Hawaii, there is no need for a port and shipping guide as the lands are too exotic. In other words, her company has yet to set up a shopping program that far away from you typical cruise destinations. Sort of the undeveloped lands. The beyond. So this would be our last day of adventure together. Jana rented a car, and since this was the island she visits her family with, she toured me around for the day. It certainly was the most lush of the places we had seen in Hawaii. Green valleys and mountains everywhere. Its where they film Lost and Jurassic Park. It is the unidentifiable tropical island. For me it was a pleasant surprise.
It the island you hear the least about. There’s Big Island that you see on the map, Oahu that has Honolulu, the honeymoon island of Maui, and then Kauai… Jurassic Park island. Pretty cool. We drove along the coast for a bit, got some Starbucks, had some wheat grass shots, and then set out for the Pacific’s Grand Canyon. 
The island has a mini version of the Grand Canyon called Waimea Canyon, and if you were transported through time and space by, oh I don’t know, a phone booth, you would be troubled to tell the difference. Who would have expected? Next we stopped at an old Russian fort park that had no Russian fort, but was still a place to see, and then we went to the Poipu coast to have some lunch. We stopped at a nice Tiki garden, Jana hit some of the jewelry stores (of course) and I bought some sun screen. We then laid out on the beach for a couple hours. There was a small coral island I swan to, observed some sea life, and then we headed back towards the ship. Again the ever lingering of “I have to get back to the ship.” No matter where you go, or what you do, it always hangs over your head. And you can’t escape it less you lose your job...and your life. Oh well, I still get paid to go to Hawaii. So we took the route through the valley, under the tunnel of trees, and back to our port. Simply a memory of pictures, and absolutely beautiful.Our next day took us back to Big Island, to the port of Kona on the opposite side which is westward facing the Pacific. A bunch of us were going to get off and go see some stuff, didn’t know what yet (right!?!?), and then go from there. Jana woke me up because she wanted to know what I was planning to do with the warning the Captain announced. What warning? The TSUNAMI!!! So there was an earth quake off the Samoan islands and already tsunamis had hit. They were expecting the waves to reach Hawaii in a couple of hours. Tenders were still taking people ashore but the evacuation would happen around 1pm to take people further inland. So what was I going to do? I told Jana I would rather be on land than on the ship. Even though its safer to be on the water than on land for a tsunami, Jana argued. Its true, but have you ever seen The Poseidon Adventure? That is the shit of my nightmares. I do not want to go through that. SO I called Jake and he was with me, we headed to land. By the time we got on land, ordered a Hawaiian sandwich, had some snow cones, and met up with some other peeps, the warning had been lifted. We struggled for a bit trying to rent a car, then hiring a cab to take us to a distant beach. They’d be closed he said, so we took a cab to a beach that wasn’t too far away. We got there and the lifeguards were pulling people out of the water, and closing the beaches just to be safe. So what should we do? They advised us to go to a beach that was a popular dive spot, and public beach with no restrictions. So thats where we went. The girls didn’t want to swim, so they went to get lunch at a nearby restaurant, and we enjoyed some snorkeling. Saw lots of fish, a few turtles, and for just the price of a cab it wasn’t bad for a nice tropical swim. Oh man, I love to swim. Afterwards we met up with the girls at the restaurant, and since it was right on the water and about Tsunami time, we ordered some beers and calamari and waited for some sort of show. For a while the waves seemed to be getting bigger, but we really couldn’t be sure, and then of course a few beers turned into some more, and nobody could tell so then our waitress offered to take us back to the port. I guess she wanted to finish her shift and we were the long overdue trouble table.
So we all piled into her truck, I sat in the back and we went to the tender pier. We still had a couple of hours before all aboard so we bought some more beers, and sat at a small beach right off the port in a protected cove. It was right next to an unused luau site and some surfboards, so we just hung around until we had to go back. It was nice. I took some pictures of birds, and went out with Lara to pee in the water. As I’m urinating in the ocean I notice all these cigarette buttes floating past me. It takes me a second to realize that it was odd anything should be floating past me as the cove was completely still before. So we look out to the ocean and see a small wall of water flooding towards us. Strange. Oh wait! Oh SHIT! I said to Lara “oh shit, it’s the tsunami!” We yelled and scramble dout of the water drunkenly and people started to collect their stuff. The water came up the beach all the way towards where we had been sitting. Some other people took off, and there was commotion on the pier. An empty canoe got lifted off the beach and carried away towards the sea and then the waters started to recede. That was the scariest part, knowing the water had come in, and then it totally receded about 30 feet away from where it had been. You could see the current rushing out of the cove. We didn’t know where it would stop when it came back in, and that was honestly frightening. We grabbed all of our stuff and were prepared to run. Of course the waters didn’t come that much farther in that they had before, but it was that moment of anticipation. Who knew what could have happened? Jana thought I was being over dramatic, but even she was holding her bag pretty tightly, ready to book it. All in all, it was simply unusual tidal changes we were experiencing, but it was definitely the remnants of the tsunami. We all saw it. And the crazy part is that what we saw came from all across the globe in a matter of hours, traversing thousands of miles, it was the aftermath of something which claimed many lives. It was truly incredible. And then, in that moment, I realized I peed in it. I Peed in the Tsunami.
So that evening was the official end of cruise. I had one last big sale come through, which was great, and I closed late. I forgot to mention that Tarun was fired because he’s a derelict. Good riddance to sad babush. His Jesus tattoo was freaky. Anyways, the turnaround day was in Honolulu and then we had an overnight before sailing west to Tahiti. We spent a day at Waikiki again, surfing, sunning, snow cones, that sort of thing, and then I had to come back to the ship for Expo. Welcome aboard shenanigans. I then got dolled up for my last evening in Hawaii and my last evening with Jana. We got a taxi to take us back to Waikiki and after some walking around, found a nice resort’s in house restaurant that was right on the water. We could hear the waves lapping on the shore as we enjoyed some local hula music along with our signature cocktails, all the while the moon shone down at us outside of “The House without a Key.” What a name for a restaurant! It’s taken from the title of an old mystery novel written in Honolulu and takes place at that exact location, and it was the perfect place to enjoy our farewell dinner on our final Hawaiian evening. We waited a little bit too long for the food, but the night was perfect. I was sad to say goodbye to Jana, but not as sad as I had been before. I was so lucky to have her come back into my ship life. I felt like our friendship was granted an even grander sequel. Alaska and Hawaii with Royal as opposed to the Caribbean with Disney. Two very different stories. We called her a taxi so she could catch her flight and as she pulled away, we waved our final goodbyes, just like the time before. Only this time, our good bye was filled with satisfaction. I look forward to seeing Jana again.
After our elegant dinner with Jana, we let loose and did the whole partying thing. I ended up crashing at 6 in the morning at somebody’s house. I did not want to sleep on the ship. We ended up at all sorts of different bars doing shots, margaritas, and the works, chugging beers in the street that we bought at the convenience store, running into the police again, dancing the night away, POKER FACE, questionable decisions, fighting British people, dancing even more, and then falling into the arms of the strangers. It was fantastic recklessness. A piece of the real party life, where at the end of the day, I’m not being watched by a captain. The next day was lazy, walking around town, enjoying some coconut pie and coffee, spitting on crabs, one last swim at Waikiki and then the sad trek home, well home as in ship. I called everyone I knew back in the states, said goodbye, because from here on out, no more cell phone, only the South Pacific, only OCEANIA. If you get a chance, call my cell phone, I am especially fond of my voicemail message.
And once more to land,
before heading down,
because the next place I’ll see,
the island of Tahiti.
1 comment:
Hey Cole, great entry! Miss you buddy, see you soon!
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