And then there was Tahiti

So we left Hawaii to head out to sea once more. Always a daunting prospect. After I step off land, I won’t step on another ground for another 4 days. That’s quite a commitment to the ocean. Putting yourself to the fates. Anything could happen.

Of course, in these modern times, that “anything” has been reduced to “remarkably unlikely.” Those 4 days went smoothly as expected. I had two seminars and a successful auction. I go to the gym sometimes and watch 24 season 5, which is AMAZING. One of my friends in the spa likes to joke around with me. She tells me that when I wear my gym shorts, and she looks at my bum, it’s like “2 eggs in a hanky.” That might be the best compliment of my life. Our guests have primarily been Australians now, and its such a different type of clientele. Our entire crew had to go through Australian transition training where we had to learn about the lifestyle and general knowledge of the Australian people. Words like Fair Dinkum and Teatotaller. Did you know the capitol of Australia is Canberra, not Sydney, and has a total population of 22 million? It has the highest ratio of beach front to population in the world! Awesome. The training ended with a session of Jeopardy, and I told the room my team was going to win. I was right. Anyways, the Australian people are more vibrant and down to Earth than Americans. They don’t take themselves too seriously and are generally more (honestly) friendly. But they expect you to be upfront with them. Which I am. With sales, you have to put the ball in their court, and they will usually follow through even if they decide not to collect. Heres the price, you let me know what you would like to do. It seems less tacky to me, and feels more genuine. If they like it, they’ll urge themselves to get it, which is fine by me.

Also, we had an equator crossing ceremony. This was weird. They told me to come up to the pool deck around 11 am for the proceedings. Essentially everyone from cruise staff dresses in drag to honor King Neptune and his wife. They then tied me up along with the production staff and carried us out in front of all the guests in order to pay homage and beg forgiveness from Neptune for being unworthy pollywogs. In order to correct our misgivings, we had to “kiss the fish.” This is when they take out some less than fresh fish from the dining room and have us kiss them in front of everyone. Weird. Then they randomly break eggs over us and then flour us. Weird. And then they throw chunks of beef at you. I don’t get it. Why? That’s all I kept yelling, Why? For what reason? We crossed the equator, thankfully, and then had a crew ceremony later that night. I got to MC, but it was still just as bizarre. I don’t get it.

Another incident was the fact that Tarun emailed my boss from my own email account pretending to be me. He is surely a troubled individual. He went on to accuse managers from the ship of setting him up in some conspiracy to have him fired, when all is said and done is the fact that he’s a drunk. What else does anyone need to know? Anyway, I called my boss and we both had a good laugh over it. He told me they were taking bets on whether or not that was actually my email as I don’t commonly forget to capitalize letters and omit punctuation. Great job, Tarun!

Seeing you again makes me want to throw up… in a good way.

And then one morning came and I was in Papeete, Tahiti. Oh, being on land again is a welcome site, especially when that land is French Polynesia. Easily the most exotic place I have ever been to. Of course there was more to come. Now, the common misconception is that Tahiti encompasses multiple islands. It does not, but for the sake of simplicity I will refer to the four days in French Polynesia as Tahiti. We rented a car for that first day. Tahiti is the biggest island of French Polynesia’s Society Islands, so the best way to get about is by car. Being in the city is a good and bad thing. It’s kind of a dump and not much to look at, but there is more “stuff” to do. You get to see a lot driving around, and the distant mountains were beautiful. I love tropical islands, such a lush feel and look to them. It’s like…paradise. We decided that everything sounds better with the word Tahitian in front of it, so I will continue to do so. Once out of the city we cruised down the Tahitian coast. Tahitian black sand beaches, distant Tahitian islands in the sea, and of course the occasional Tahitian waterfall. We stopped at a couple of those Tahitian beaches, saw a tall Tahitian lighthouse, Tahitian palms, some Tahitian cliffs, and paddled in some tropical Tahitian coves. Just sort of wandering…observing…Tahitian style. I am Coleman the Observer, and for that day, Coleman, the Tahitian Observer. We traveled through the Tahitian bamboo forests to feel the spray of a Tahitian mountain waterfall, and we sampled some Tahitian cuisine at a peculiar Tahitian shopping mall. We came up with a secret pass code for the day. “Yellow water falls out of my lava tube.” We then traveled down the other side of the coast to see the Tahitian sunset. There we found some secret Tahitian grottoes filled with bats and drank from a fresh Tahitian spring. I stumbled upon an Australian gentleman urinating in the bushes and then we left to figure out how to return our Tahitian rental car to the Tahitian airport. They gave us this terrible map and we had to like, actually go through the airport terminal. It made no sense, but I navigated successfully. It was like a mini puzzle from Silent Hill. SILENT HILLLLLLLL….Afterwards, we headed back to the ship. I got some dinner from a local food plaza thing, some Chinese food, and then we went out to a Tahitian bar. I got some Tahitian beer mixed drink cocktail thing (different, but rather nice) saw a Silent Hill building and then went to a terrible club fashioned with Hollywood memorabilia. No one was there except us, and the bartender was named Damien. He was from France, and I got into the whole “Damien! Look at me, Damien! Its all for you!” tirade, but I don’t think he got it. I guess I’m sort of ridiculous. But hell, how many times do you meet Damien these days? And so we ended our night in Tahiti and headed back in to the ship. Because the next island was so close, we just sort of drifted that night out in the sea, it was nice. There was a warm breeze and a full Tahitian Moon, just like the song. “I can see the lights of the shore getting farther away. I don’t know if I’ll make it home tonight, but I know I can swim…under the Tahitian moon…one last time, under the Tahitian Moon…The sea is a very easy place to disappear on, to drift away on…”

The next island, Moorea. This was my “unexpected” pleasure island. Envisioned as and inspiring the concept if Bali Hai, it is easily the most beautiful island I had ever been to. Tall, green mountains overlook a calm, blue Tahitian lagoon. Absolutely enchanting. The land of enchantment. A small group of us did a day tour thing. We hoped off the ship and caught a boat that takes you along the reef where we stopped to snorkel with some sting rays and sharks, awesome, and then takes us to a secluded “motu” or mini island. Now, geologically these islands are in the middle stages of what will be an atoll and the newer volcanic islands, like Hawaii. They have just begun to erode back into the sea. So, the original shores, when they were new islands, still maintain their protective coral barriers even after the land begins to descend back into the ocean. This leaves beautiful blue lagoons surrounding the main mountainy part. Your are left with a ring of coral reefs, and motus which then protect that larger inner land mass, leaving one of the most ideal places on the surface of our planet. Calm, pristine, gorgeous lagoons to paddle around till you’re so overtaken by the natural beauty you’re convinced you’re living a dream. Beautiful fish swim everywhere, the water is calm and warm, and the sun shines down happily. You are filled with a sense of unspeakable joy with the world, and a contentment which speaks in a certain way that “this is it.” This is the place to be. We hung out on the motu for a while, explored the reefs, and celebrated my personal philosophy of “you haven’t been anywhere unless you’ve peed on it.” The cost? 4 days at sea. Well worth the trouble…well worth the life. Afterwards we headed to a local crepe café, saw some cats, and then headed to the beach before setting sail. We were headed back out to sea early that day, but it left just the right impression of a beautiful island. That desire for more. Always leave them wanting more. When we got to the beach, guess who we saw there. Damien! Look at me, Damien! Its all for you!

The next island was called Raitea, and was not as nice as Moorea. No worries though, I made a very special memory there. One of the dancers, Colleen, and I have struck up a nice friendship and we walked around Raitea’s town. There wasn’t a lot to see there so we decided to go to the beach. I ate a chow mein sandwich with ketchup (WEIRD) and we got a taxi to take us to a nearby resort. Everyone (the cool crew) was there. Now, there was no beach, but there was a pier that you could jump off of and snorkel around, and a pool, but I mean, come on, why use the pool when there’s the beautiful Tahitian lagoon right there? Anyway, there’s a couple of motus not far from the pier, maybe a couple of kilometers. The pier had some kayaks you could borrow, so Colleen and I decided why not kayak to the motu over yonder. Fat chance, Dumbo! A bunch of people already got em. So instead Colleen and I borrowed some of their snorkeling equipment to explore the reefs while we waited for our turn on the kayaks. We had some flippers and goggles, and we’re paddling around, and we said to each other, hey, why don’t we just swim there? Oh but theres currents, what if theres sharks? And that bullshit. One of the entertainers said, don’t worry about it, its all in your head, just go. And so we did. We swam to the motu. It was something I will never forget, ever. One of the most amazing experiences of my life. I developed a personal philosophy around it:

In Tahiti, swim across the crystal blue lagoon to the exotic island oasis, when you return, you have, from here until ever more, “come from the island.”

And that’s the truth

And finally, the epic, the unforgettable, Bora Bora. In my cabin, the entire contract, I had a dry erase board on the wall with stuff I needed to do for work. Marketing, expo, financial controlling, restrictions, key times to promote, top sales and goals, and of course, in the corner, a reminder for why I do all this stuff: Bora Bora. Its been something I’ve been looking forward to in my life for months. Bora Bora. It sounds like the land of dreams, of the imagination, and it trumps everywhere, anywhere, as the most beautiful, ideal spot on the Earth. Ever. Of course we only had until 3pm, that was when our ship left for Australia, so what to do?

I had debated about it, but then settled on the idea of doing a crew tour. I’ve grown to disdain tours, but I found myself surrounded by my new friends. I realized, this was about it, this was the last time I would have with my mates on any exotic locale, because the next time I come to land, I will be signing off the ship. But what a better place could I have hoped for? Friends on boats…in Bora Bora. Amazing…AMAZING. Why do people go anywhere else in the world? Why pay money to go somewhere else? Why? I understand, Bora Bora is not an easy palce to get to, its not cheap, but man, its worth it. Worth more than anything you could imagine. Go. Go to Bora Bora. You will never forget it.

So our guide Shark Boy took us to a couple of snorkel spots, where we saw the stingrays again. These things are ridiculous. They go ga ga (Lady!) over fish parts and just want to suck on you. You put the fish in front of them and they start sucking with their faces, but can’t see you, so I lead them onto other people, where they come out of the water and flap on your chest like the facehugger from Alien. This was hysterical, especially with the girls that scream. You wait until their not looking and then get a stingray to come up on their back, when they turn around…its too late! They scream and scream, and I laugh hysterically. I’m such a kid, but it’s just too funny. Monica would hate it! Of course I got my dues. I got a huge hicky on my chest, one of those buggers bit me bad…..it was worth it. Shark Boy also turned me on to Monoi Tipanie oil. It’s this wonderful Tahitian oil that combines coconut and monoi flower and you just rub it all over yourself and it makes you feel wonderful. Like the skin of a baby! I love it. Next we went to go swim with the sharks, whooptee whoo (actually, yeah, whoopty whoo!) and then, finally, he took us to the most fabulous beach in the world. It was on one of the larger motus and looked upon the glorious peaks of the Bora Bora mountains. We paddled, bathed, and basked in the glorious Tahitian lagoons one last time. This was the life, this was “the” worth it for me. That half hour on that beach was all the time in the world. Again, something I will never, ever forget. A whole 7 months at sea culminating at one point. An entire season in Alaska to build up to this moment of rapture, of enlightenment. Was it everything I had hoped for? More…but of course, just a taste. At 3pm, we set sail, once more, one last time, for the shores of Oceania’s most formidable island, Australia.

And so my time aboard the Rhapsody was coming very quickly to an end. We still had 7 days at sea, which is a very long time, but not that long, baby. We lost a day when we crossed the international dateline, bizarre, but still. I had to do a handover. That means an inventory and an entire sweep of my gallery and program. I had two last auctions to run, and ended my contract with my most successful cruise to date, which is the best way to go out, WITH A BANG! And fuck Tarun, two of my best cruises were without him. What a derelict, as Mike would say. Go out on a positive note with the company. I sold a Rembrandt from 1785 called “Woman at a Door Hatch Talking to a Man and Children: The School Master.” Described as: “Rather dark, but quite good looking.” It was an unsettling piece, but I’m happy to have it as my last major contribution to the fine art collecting world. My client was a lovely Australian woman, and I was telling her about my plan for my holiday in Australia. “Stay away from King’s Cross,” she warned. Its trouble. But that’s exactly where I’m headed.

:)

This is Coleman Vander Meer Balogh, International Fine Art Auctioneer of the RCI Rhapsody of the Seas, signing off.