Europa: Såsom i en Spegel (Europe: Through a Glass Darkly)

ANDDDDDD we're Back. There's been a long hiatus, but lots of adventures to be told. Lots of things have changed, lots of new faces, and of course, some crazy news. But Ill tell it as it was told to me, let it unfold as it was. After our Mid season hiatus, I'm left with, oh, about 6 episodes left. Thats about 12 in total. I've already been though four of them and am currently living/filming/writing 5 of 6, so the finale is still in the works folks, and let me tell you the build up is unsufferable. The cliffhanger at the end of 4 is a doozy. But we'll start at the start, shall we? Season 3, episode 7, Europe, part 1, written by Coleman Vander Meer.















So the adventures begins in the land of old. I’d never been to Spain before, neither business nor pleasure, and if anyone were to ask me what brought me here today, I’d say a combination of both. Of course that was our turnaround port, so I decided I’d have enough time there eventually, for now I’d like to get settled aboard “The Brilliance of the Seas.” What a surprise it was to see the Brilliance for the first time. And remember there’s nothing like seeing your ship for the first time, but here, in Barcelona, who should be docked just a couple of spots down but the Disney Magic. What a bitch!? Oh the homage to season 1 is just what I needed at this moment. What a poignant memory!? There’s nothing like getting a new ship, but then again there’s nothing like your first ship either. How the tides turn, but also how they cycle back again?

I signed on along with only a couple of other crew members, as it was later in the day than the normal sign on crew. There was a noteworthy element about that day too. There was a VIP auction happening aboard the Brilliance that cruise. So, another throw back to a past season. You all remember that episode on the Rhapsody when Morry, the head gallery director came to cruise and left me all that bunch of art. Well he’d be back again, along with the president, Mr. S himself! What drama!? I wonder what they’ll think of next!? I wonder what they think of this Fine Art Regurgitory! Oh the plot thickens… Alas, that would come later. First I had to take care of my medical. And who should barge into the nurse’s office but my new roommate, Julian, Aka “The Count,” andddddddd Totally loaded! Completely plastered at 10 in the morning. He’d been up all night helping to prep for the VIP cruise and helping Andy, the old associate from the Brilliance, make way for me and hit the road as he is not on “The List.”



















I, however, will refer to myself from here on out as being on “The List.” This is later revealed to me from a future character in the show Dan DuPont (sort of like as if we’re on a flash forward episode of Lost). And it’s no surprise. I’ve been with the company for two fucking years. I better be on the damn list. But anyway, the list is a compilation of people who are eligible to make it past the final cliffhanger at the end of the episode. Something really BIG and something really SCARY, business wise. Anyway, I’m a name. I’m a name on “The List.” It doesn’t guarantee that you get to stay on the island, but it means, if you play you’re cards right, if you don’t get thrashed by the smoke monster, or blown apart by the sonic fence, or bitten by the medusa spider and buried alive, you get to live on the island…maybe till the series finale…maybe just till the season finale…but for now…you’re alive. But Andy…RIP, just another lost soul. Didn’t even meet the guy. Saw a video of him shitfaced though, and that’s enough Mikey…that’s enough.

Cold comfort is that fact that I will be doing a cruise handover with a young Canadian couple who is in the same boat as me. Being moved from principal auctioneer to associate on a bigger ship. A de-promotion. Staying on the “List” (what is this list?) They had been running the Brilliance during the Dubai season. 7 port days and no sea days in the Middle East = worst itinerary ever. We were all sort of milted. So, it was their first and last Med cruise and we decided to enjoy ourselves. And why not? Ville Franc, Florence, Rome, At Sea, At Sea, Athens, Kusadasi, Santorini, At Sea, Naples, At Sea. Sounds like an amazing time…OR DOES IT!?????

Yes. It does.















I had just come from signing off the Summit, had the afternoon in the airport, flew straight to Barcelona, arriving at 8:30 am and signing on the ship straightaway. So, I was a little stressed out. Tweaked as you might say. I enjoyed The Fantastic Mr. Fox in the plane, but still. Tweaked. when I met “the Count,” this drunk, bald Romanian guy, who kept telling me he was “The Count” over and over while giving me the googly eye, I told him to calm down. He was like “Man, I’ve been working hard all night.” And I said, “Man, I’ve been working hard as a principal art auctioneer for over a year, and just 12 hours ago had my best month ever in the top tier of the company onboard the Summit. Now I’m here, in this room with You. So…”Count” I’ve been working Real hard too…as you might imagine, do me a favor, and Relax.” He just looked at me…”Really?” he asks….”Fuck.”

Yep, all in the same boat.

















So Mark and Tomo are kind of ridiculous, but fun. She’s this tiny little Japanese girl and he’s this big hulking Canadian guy who gets gigantic nervous zits. Not like a lot, Just one. One giant red eye on the chin that’s always looking at you…Always. Well, at least for the two weeks I knew him. We basically drank wine for two weeks straight until we shat cabernet. And what could be better? We met the VIP people on the first night. They had a huge group. I recognized the same art steward, the same VIP associates, and of course Morry. Than there was the “president” who honestly didn’t say a single word to me. Weird. You devote your life to something for years…and, nope…not interested. Whateves…just keep paying for my expenses. So I had a drink on the house, why not? Mark said the big Pres was watching us like hawks, though. Each gulp was counted. So my first day was pretty unexciting. Just getting grounded, hosting the gallery for a couple hours in the evening, and my first day as a lowly associate is done…just like that.
















Day 2…Ville Franc…What…. A… Shit show? First of all, for whatever reason all the cast were hiding that first embark day. In the morning, I get my new crew card from HR where two of the dancers meet me, and all of a sudden Mark is getting calls from these random casties to see if he wants to hang out, asking about the “new Guy.” Geeze, I’m the new guy. How exciting. Someone asked me if I was the new Andy. And, without thinking how arrogant it sounded (even though I’m pretty sure it way true) I say “oh, I’m wayyyy better than Andy.” Poor guy, I didn’t even meet him. All I know is…he…wasn’t…on…the…List.















So Ville Franc is basically Nice, France. French Riv is the French Riv, yeah? Yeah. So It’s great. It’s France. It’s Europe. New! The VIP group is going to go to Fanch Ledan’s house. Fanch is this artist that I sell. I’ve sold like thousands of his paintings…his “interiorscapes” where you will never find any people present but the human element is never absent…oh whatever. It’s this painter’s house and I wanna GO! So the VIPs say we can come!  ! But they don’t have room in the GD bus!  ! We have to take our own cab, but it’s only like 10 Euro!  ! Nope, more like 220 Euro!  ! So we get off the tender, because there’s no doc in Ville Franc, and the weather is decent out, so we decide, pay a shit ton to go meet Fanch…or get drunk on French wine in the public park??? IS there really any discussion necessary? We each drank about two bottles, and, IT…WAS…FABULOUS.














Really, we just wandered around with burgundy lips speaking French. Bon Jour! Ville Franc! Marcei publee! Shante musue! Dodei! Dodo my poo-pee! We really bonded as a team that day. By 3 pm, we decided we’d better get back to the ship. SO we head back to the port andddddd Ville Franc is hit by the worst freak storm it’s seen in 24 years! Like the weather wasn’t even bad, it was just these crazy waves that were like thrashing the port. Dozens of little boats sank and even a few yachts. The tenders could not get back to the port to pick up guests, and they could barely get back onto the Brilliance! So, the cruise ship decides to do the easiest thing…Leave us there until it can arrange buses at 12 am! WHAT!? They left us! The ship left us! And we were plastered, at 3 pm. SO what could we do, except buy more wine? I apparently met the new cast like 3 times, and introduced myself like 12 times, and the next day I had no recollection of who any of them were. They thought I was crazy. They’re like “We met you yesterday,” and I was like “No you didn’t.” And they’re like “yeah you introduced yourself, like a dozen times.” And I was like “Well, I have no idea who you are.” And they’re like “You went to dinner with us and didn’t order anything and then just left suddenly, and we saw you wandering in an alley 2 hours later and played cards with us.” And all I could do, in the most straight, professional face possible say. “Well, I don’t remember that at all, and I have no idea who you are. So, hello, I’m Coleman, one of the new auctioneers, its nice to meet you.” And they just stared at me with gaping mouths. But that’s the flash forward, and honestly, that’s the best impression I could hope to make mid way through season 3, but back to getting left behind in Ville Franc. Mark was lying on the ground, in front of like 400 guests with his arms splayed in the air screaming that he couldn’t move. And he didn’t care. He was surprise demoted. It was our tragedy. It was OUR Ville Franc. “the Count” went into a nearby restaurant where a lot of guests were and started waiting tables, insisting to the French staff and Brilliance guests that he was crew and he lives to serve. That I remember. I don’t remember committing myself to a relationship with one of the dancers in a nearby park. I do remember, though, buying dry tortellini from a small store and it being the best snack ever. I do remember cutting in line in front of a thousand people to get on one of the first buses back to the ship to wherever it was ported safely. I DON’T remember the three hour bus ride there, but simply waking up and crashing in my bed. Thank God no one knew who I was (except the cast members because I tried introducing myself like every 15 minutes), because Mark and “the Count” were a sliver away from both being fired. All in all, a wildly successful tragedy. Ville Franc!















That next day I sort of took it easy. We were in port in Italy, Livorno which is close to Florence. I’d been to Florence on my second visit to Europe, and it was beautiful, but just wasn’t feeling a long bus ride today. So I slept in, figured the ship out, layed low, worked out. I’d missed using a steam room on Celebrity; all they had was a sauna, so it was a welcome return to form here on The Brilliance to go for a nice long workout followed by a soak in the steam room. And who should also be working out but Morry! Oh what a guy!? I told him the news that the record highest price for a work of art sold at auction was just set by a Picasso painting called “Green leaves, Nude and Bust.” Or something similar. Anyways, someone bought it for $106.5 million, which is a big deal for us International Fine Art Auctioneers who sell Picasso’s for a living. It’s a selling tool for sure. After the workout I enjoyed a nice sit down in the steam room, something I’d been missing on the Celebrity Summit. Nothing like a dark hot room of steam to melt your worries away, and they had fake stars on the ceiling!



















Then there was Rome. At this point, I really have to say the greatest thing about being back in Italy, whether Rome, Florence, or Naples is the reintroduction of Gelato to my life. We only had two hours in Rome, so We did a whirlwind through the Coliseum, Pantheon, Trevie fountain, and the other stuff. Rome’s a cool city, yes, but there’s something about it…maybe something I haven’t figured out yet. IT will have to wait for another episode. Just a sneak peak this time. SNEAK PEAK ROME! Mark, Tomo, and I enjoyed our brief tour together, but we enjoyed getting drunk on the train even more. I ended the day with another helping of gelato and Tomo finally found her Roman magnet.















Finally our first sea day and our first auction. My first auction as an associate. It was strange to not be on the block. We had a good turn out and I was able to sell some stuff as an associate again. Another auction, another day, another cruise, another ship, another sea. This is what I do. One thing that came out of that day was my discovery of the Straits of Messina when I went to go rekindle my love for the sea at the bow of the ship. The Straits is a narrow strip of sea between the boot tip of Italy and the island of Sardinia. Only a couple miles wide, but absolutely beautiful. It looks like a fairy tale with wide expansive mountains on either side, billowing clouds, bright blue sea, and swift Italian breeze. I didn’t think the moment could get any more inspirational but then I noticed a pod of dolphins jumping before the ship. They joined us for several minutes, playing in the breakers at the bow. I will never forget that moment. Something a camera cannot catch.















That night the news was broken to us, the big dramatic moment we’d been waiting for. Royal Carib. Was not going to be renewing their contract with my gallery, and by the end of August we would be off all their ships for good. This was all told to head auctioneers over the phone, and as such, on this ship I am not the head auctioneer, so I did not here it in that way. However, I did receive a message, electronically, from the new auctioneer that was coming soon next cruise. He reassured me that if all things go as plan, and rock the Brilliance, I would be fine. I WAS brought here specifically to close down the ship, and would be one of the last representatives of my company onboard, leaving a good impression. Going out with a bang. So the ground work for the season finale has been laid. Futures uncertain.















And so the rest of the cruise progressed efficiently. We hit Athens which is still a place that gives me anxiety. Bright, dirty, and crowded. Feels like a panic attack, and the threat of financial riots doesn’t help to sooth my nerves, but how about a bottle of Ouzo!? OPA! We met up with one of Marc’s friends from eh Voyager of the Seas. He had resigned a couple of weeks ago, but wasn’t surprised by the news. He said he picked the right time, but didn’t necessarily suggest we do the same. Apparently they were having a fantastic cruise. We hoped to as well. I had a special client Jeannie, one who would talk your ear off. She was absolutely thrilled that her favorite artist Alexander Chen was onboard, so I of course arranged a meeting for her and tried to convince her to buy a unique painting by him. I maybe spent about 3 hours with her over the course of the cruise, and ended up spending a bit of money, but not at all what I hoped. But I did make her very happy, and maybe that’s all that’s needed for some of them.















Went off in Turkey just to look around, you know step on a different continent for a while (Yes, Asia, please). The next day though was very special as we were going to the island of Santorini. This is the third time I’ve been here, and it truly is one of the most spectacular places ever. White washed buildings dot the cliff sides that curve around an old dormant volcano that lays just above the sea. From the sky, the island looks like a giant crescent moon circling a small, dark star. It feel different that anywhere else and the views are spectacular. The blue of the Aegean, the white of the houses, and the black volcanic stone. Some people believe that Santorini is linked to the lost city of Atlantis, and it is widely accepted that when the volcano erupted it destroyed the Minoan people hundreds of miles away on the island of Crete. I am planning an excursion to the volcanoe on my next trip there. I look forward to that adventure. For the time being, Marc, Tomo, and I walked the streets of Fira on Santorini. Browsing the stores, and looking for a nice view for lunch. Last time I was on the island was when Steve and I travelled through Europe and we stopped here for Leah Stefanos’s wedding. It was a great time. My cousin Matt was there with some of his and Leah’s friends. We partied and it was awesome. Those bars were all still there, albeit empty, but the memories still lingered. Even that VIP pavilion where all those rich kids wanted to pay exorbitant amounts of Euros for bottles of vodka. This was when Steve and I had to haggle for a 20 Euro room. But it was still a good time. We found a wonderful spot to overlook the outcropping isles for, lunch and enjoyed our Greek food immensely. We resolved that despite our fortunes, despite what might happen, here we were in one of the most beautiful spots in the world, enjoying new friendship, good wine, and lasting memories. It was a spectacular day.
















In the end of that cruise (tonight’s episode), we had no more interaction with the VIP crowd. Linda Le Kinff, an artist I’ve sold quite often, was even onboard the ship and I never got to meet her. We were not welcomed to their functions. Maybe they were embaressed, maybe they were just busy. In the end, it doesn’t really matter. I still have my gelato. Interesting thing though. While they’re onboard, the regular art auctioneers (aka myself and Marc) are allowed access to pieces from the VIP collection left unsold. I met an interesting gentleman who was curious about the masters. He came to a seminar I had given on the old and modern masters, and was looking for something for his home, a piece to carry a lot of value and eventually pass onto his children. I worked with his for a number of hours as well. In the end we found him a spectacular Picasso. A signed lithograph I had seen only once before, at the VIP conference that originally broke up my training with Park West two years ago. From episode 1, if you will. I remember seeing that work of art and being excited to work with objects of such caliber, of such magnificence! That Picasso was something I had never forgotten. And here it was back in my life, and here was a client looking for that right “one.” And there it went, through my hands to his. And I can tell you, at $25,000 it’s an absolute steal (he also decided on a nice little Rembrandt to even out the playing field)!













So we bid ado to Marc and Tomo, and even Julian who they snagged to take with at the last moment. They were headed to the orient, back to Tomo’s home land of Japan to join the Legend of the Seas. And For a brief moment, there I was, Coleman, alone, once again in a new land, looking towards an uneasy future, winds changing, and new characters coming. So, I leave you with our official description of that special work of art by Pablo himself. A work of art that mirrors my own self questioning, and an image that I will never forget.



















“Venus and Cupid, the Honey Thief”

Cubist in nature, Venus and Cupid emerge from a fantastical wilderness into the frontal plane of the lithograph. Venus possesses unnatural proportions that include voluptuous hips and breasts, thin limbs, a shrunken head, and an unscrupulous pregnant belly. She modestly covers herself with a sheer scarf, as she wears only a large and fashionable sun hat. Next to Venus is Cupid, shown crying as he looks to her guiltily with the stolen fruit in hand. The large scale of the piece allows for examination of the the finer details of Picasso's work as a playful and complex interpretation of mythology, sexuality and reality.

This is my life.